Book Review: Not Yet Married
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Not Yet Married
Book Author: Marshall Segal
Review Author: Member
Rockingham Free Reformed Church
Pro Ecclesia Bookshop
As I gazed at the newly opened email that had just arrived, I was mixed with curiosity and scepticism. The request to review a "dating" book sparked my intrigue, yet I couldn't help but wonder if it held any new insights, especially with all the other similar publications. After all the countless dates, each seemingly perfect, yet still ending in disappointment. Little did I know that 'Not Yet Married' by Marshall Segal would hold the key to unlocking a fresh new perspective on relationships.
Upon reading 'Not Yet Married,' you will notice it is divided into two parts. The first part focuses on being single - on finding joy, purpose, and belonging in this phase. The author reminds us that we were made for more than marriage. This section covers how God designed us with a purpose and love, our mission to spread the gospel and be a light to the world, the importance of focusing on Jesus rather than worldly concerns, anchoring our joy in Christ rather than in marriage or any current lifestyle, dealing with the pain of singleness, utilising our time for God, overcoming procrastination in sin, and to persisting in prayer.
The second part of the book addresses dating for those who are not yet married. It delves into the boundaries of dating, addressing the "how" and "why" questions. This section covers various topics related to dating, including breakups, conversations, chasing clarity over intimacy, the impact of sin on intimacy, sexual purity, accountability, and boundaries. Segal approaches these topics with raw honesty, openly sharing his struggles in different relationship areas. Segal emphasises that the pursuit of God's glory and joy has no boundaries, whether married or not.
Segal discusses many of his failed relationships, reflecting on how desperation led to unsuccessful dating experiences. He discusses the difficulty of when his girlfriend broke up with him and about the struggle of telling his wife-to-be of his sexual impurity. Throughout the book, Segal draws extensively from Scripture - citing over 200 references. Reading this book alongside a Bible is highly recommended. He uses the passages of the Bible to enforce the theme of the given topic in the chapter. It is worth noting that the author uses the ESV version of the Bible for his quotes.
While it may be difficult being 'Not Yet Married' and still longing for a spouse, Segal reminds us that our happiness does not depend on getting married. In fact, getting married will not make us happy. Our happiness is not dependent on being married. We're reminded of this in Matthew 10:37, "He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me." Segal warns against seeking relationships out of desperation, noting, "That hole in our hearts will swallow and destroy any relationship if we look to a person to make us happy or whole." "We will never date well until we have a big, clear, and compelling idea of what marriage was really meant to be."
'Not Yet Married' is more than tips, tricks, and shortcuts to find yourself a spouse. This book focuses on guiding Christians to direct their lives towards Jesus. It explores how, if we are blessed with a partner, we can distinguish ourselves from the world and engage in Christian dating practices. I honestly did not think that another advice book would give me what I would need. Yet what I needed was a reminder of Jesus. We all need a reminder of Jesus. We are not to live this life for ourselves.
How many times does the Bible speak of people walking away from God! Judges 16:6: "In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes."
I enjoyed chapter 12, "Is He the One?" This chapter explores themes of intimacy, physical attraction, and discerning whether a person is the right match. While it might be easy to skip over, Segal does a good job of warning the reader about premarital sex. As Segal says, it's like learning to fly a plane. We must learn to fly while under supervision. "When we experiment with intimacy in dating, we hop in the plane and treat it like a bike. We skip the classes, the instructor, and the tests and just wing it. Why are we so ready to be so reckless?" Segal's message is clear: recklessness in matters of intimacy can have serious consequences.
The concluding part of the chapter resonated deeply with me. Segal addresses the uncertainty surrounding marriage, whether we will get married or not, asserting that God's will is sometimes evident through opportunities presented or withheld. He emphasises that God's actions are motivated by a desire for our best, rather than to inflict harm. This is perfectly portrayed through Segal's book when he says, "If God withholds something good from us, it's not because he wants to hurt us. Never. It's because he wants what's best for us."
Dating has never been easy for me, and for some reading this, that may be the case for you as well. When faced with questions from friends and family about why marriage hasn't happened, feelings of loneliness can easily arise. I approached 'Not Yet Married' with a closed mind. I soon realised while reading through its pages that it was a refreshing take on dating, not shying away from the challenges of being single. As someone who has felt the sting of loneliness in singleness, this book brings comfort and courage. It has provided a wonderful reminder and redirection to focus our life constantly and faithfully on Jesus.
I wholeheartedly recommend 'Not Yet Married' to those struggling with singleness. Segal provides insightful guidance through biblical passages. Additionally, I encourage those who are dating to read this book. Although technically not single, they are not yet married either. The book covers dating and its boundaries very well, making it relevant to those in various relationship stages.
If you're seeking a book that will reshape the way you view dating, 'Not Yet Married' is a must-read. Within its captivating pages, you will find a Christ-centred understanding of dating. Segal's insights will inspire you to trust in God's flawless plan for you, a plan that is worth the wait.
A member of FRC Rockingham
This book review was organised by Pro Ecclesia Bookshop in conjunction with Women's League. This book is available from Pro Ecclesia bookshop, Armadale; Providence Christian books, Albany; (and Rockingham on request). Book reviews may also be accessed on our website https://frca.org.au/womensleague/